Are You Chasing the Elusive Butterfly of Happiness?

For many people happiness is an elusive butterfly in the garden of life. Imagine a young child in the garden on a summer day. The child sees a beautiful butterfly flitting from flower to flower. With eyes of wonder the child wants to see it close up, touch it, and hold it in their hands. The child goes towards the flower that the butterfly is resting on, with arms out stretched, only to find as he just gets in reach, the butterfly moves to another flower. Undeterred the child follows the butterfly to the next flower, and then the next, but the butterfly always stays just out of reach.

As adults, happiness can seem just like that butterfly, always just out of reach. It becomes almost an obsession and the words “if only…” become an increasingly large part of our thoughts and vocabulary. If only I had more money I would be happy, if only I was in a great relationship I would be happy, if only I could have a different job……….and the list goes on. Even if we achieve one of our “if only “desires, the happiness we seek is still just out of our reach. The truth of the saying “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” becomes our focus and perception. If this becomes our focus, we find that dissatisfaction and unhappiness increasingly keep growing in our life and experience.

The unhappiness within us can not be completely satisfied by external events or circumstances. To find happiness in life we must first be at peace with ourselves internally. External events and circumstances can bring us happiness in the moment, but they do not have a lasting effect on our inner self. Life experience brings a mixture of good and bad circumstances to everyone. To rely on life’s experiences for our source of happiness would mean living life in a constant emotional roller coaster ride.

Happiness comes from within. The inner contentment that survives the roller coaster ride of life has its roots deep within our being. The source of happiness comes from finding and embracing who we are as a person, and living a life of purpose. We need to find peace in every aspect of our life- the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. To discover acceptance, purpose and peace in all of these areas will give a sense of completion in life. If we neglect any one of these areas, we experience a sense of emptiness and feel something is missing. There is not a solid foundation for building happiness within, but we then, typically start to try to fill this incompleteness by looking for outside solutions. That is the point when we can fall into the ‘elusive butterfly’ syndrome, and experience such frustration.

Is happiness an elusive butterfly for you? Spend some time in quiet reflection. Are you neglecting one of the four important parts of who you are and experiencing a sense of emptiness within? The more you discover, embrace and accept your uniqueness and purpose, the more you will experience the butterfly of happiness alighting on your shoulder.

Easy Ways To A Better Life

Want a better life? Big changes are difficult, and take time, but there are many easy steps you can take right now. Take many steps, even small ones, and pretty soon you’re getting somewhere.

A Better Life Today

It’s easy just to look, right? Start looking for specific ways to make your life better, and to improve yourself. Even if you don’t accomplish anything immediately, you are preparing yourself. Thinking about change sets your mind and your motivation in motion.

You’re not looking for an excuse to avoid difficult tasks, but you wouldn’t expect to quit cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine and complaining all at once, right? Just make things better today, in any small way. Seeing results will motivate you for the more difficult steps. Consider some of the following simple actions.

1. Write down some things you’d like to change. This makes the possibility more real, and gets your mind working. Eventually you can make this “wish list” into real goals, with a specific plan.

2. Close your eyes and breath deeply through your nose, whenever you feel stressed. Stress is one of the biggest impediments to a better life. Simple stress-manangemnet techniques like this can help a lot, if you make them a habit.

3. List the good things you’ve got. This may seem trite,but a good mood makes life better. Ever buy a van and start seeing vans everywhere? The same thing happens when you buy an idea. Imagine how it will affect your frame of mind to start seeing good things everywhere.

I could go on, but I don’t know what your goals and needs are. The point here is to get you thinking, and then taking whatever actions you can. If you thought about the whole process, you might never build a house, but it’s easy to nail one board in place, right? (And then one more, and one more…)

Happy as You Want to Be

Almost everyone have heard the hit single ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ by Bobby McFerrin. The song has a very catchy way of conveying its message of being happy to everyone. Bobby Mcferiin’s simple message surely made a lot of people by telling them not to worry.

Living a happy, resilient and optimistic life is wonderful, and is also good for your health. Being happy actually protects you from the stresses of life. Stress is linked to top causes of death such as heart disease, cancer and stroke.

One of the better things ever said is – ‘The only thing in life that will always remain the same is change’, and in our life we have the power to make the necessary changes if we want to. Even if we find ourselves in an unbearable situation we can always find solace in the knowledge that it too would change.

Social networks or relationships are essential to happiness. People are different, accept people for who or what they are, avoid clashes, constant arguments, and let go of all kinds of resentments. If arguments seem unavoidable still try and make an effort to understand the situation and you might just get along with well with

Happiness is actually found in everyone, increasing it is a way to make a life more wonderful and also more healthy.

To be happy is relatively easy, just decide to be a happy person. Abraham Lincoln observed that most people for most of the time can choose how happy or stressed, how relaxed or troubled, how bright or dull their outlook to be. The choice is simple really, choose to be happy.

There are several ways by which you can do this.

Being grateful is a great attitude. We have so much to be thankful for. Thank the taxi driver for bringing you home safely, thank the cook for a wonderful dinner and thank the guy who cleans your windows. Also thank the mailman for bringing you your mails, thank the policeman for making your place safe and thank God for being alive.

News is stressful. Get less of it. Some people just can’t start their day without their daily dose of news. Try and think about it, 99% of the news we hear or read is bad news. Starting the day with bad news does not seem to be a sensible thing to do.

A religious connection is also recommended. Being part of a religious group with its singing, sacraments, chanting, prayers and meditations foster inner peace.

Manage your time. Time is invaluable and too important to waste. Time management can be viewed as a list of rules that involves scheduling, setting goals, planning, creating lists of things to do and prioritizing. These are the core basics of time management that should be understood to develop an efficient personal time management skill. These basic skills can be fine tuned further to include the finer points of each skill that can give you that extra reserve to make the results you desire.

Laugh and laugh heartily everyday. Heard a good joke? Tell your friends or family about it. As they also say -’Laughter is the best medicine’.

Express your feelings, affections, friendship and passion to people around you. They will most likely reciprocate your actions. Try not to keep pent up anger of frustrations, this is bad for your health. Instead find ways of expressing them in a way that will not cause more injury or hurt to anyone.

Working hard brings tremendous personal satisfaction. It gives a feeling of being competent in finishing our tasks. Accomplishments are necessary for all of us, they give us a sense of value. Work on things that you feel worthy of your time.

Learning is a joyful exercise. Try and learn something new everyday. Learning also makes us expand and broaden our horizons. And could also give us more opportunities in the future.

Run, jog, walk and do other things that your body was made for. Feel alive.

Avoid exposure to negative elements like loud noises, toxins and hazardous places.

These are the few simple things you can do everyday to be happy. And to learn even more about all-inclusive happines, please take time to visit http://www.happiness.thegreat.info .

And always remember the quote from Abraham Lincoln, he says that, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Laughter, Play, Fun, Joy, Happiness

Copyright 2006 Marshall House

You have your own unique constructs and beliefs and views about laughter and play and fun and joy and happiness. As does each person. In this article, I focus first on the dynamic of laughter and then combine play and fun as one pair and joy and happiness as another pair to capture nuances that single words would not.

Laughter

I love to laugh — if you know me personally, you already know that. When first studying key contributors to the field of stress management, I was so pleased to learn that one good belly laugh each day does wonders for us all.

Physiologically, laughter introduces oxygen into the body in a way that few other actions can. Laughter also exercises inner muscles that are otherwise hard to exercise. Healing on the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual levels are often attributed to the act of laughing.

For laughter to be effective, the content or stimulus is irrelevant. Dr. Norman Cousins used Candid Camera television shows and Marx Brothers movies to stimulate laughter that promoted self-healing which he wrote about in his ground-breaking publications.

I have friends I laugh with about things that are not funny to anyone but us. We laugh with tee-hees and guffaws and belly laughs. It’s deeply healing. It’s fun. We do not need a reason — we just use and appreciate the synergy of each other.

I have another friend, a health care practitioner, who has suggested that I gather a group of laughers together and make an audio tape. No content to try to get someone to laugh. Just laughing to laugh and to laugh more. He guarantees I will sell many of these tapes because the laughter will inspire others to laugh.

If you try to agree with others about what is funny, you would probably argue yourself out of laughing. “Star Trek: The Next Generation” fans know Data’s difficulty with grasping what is funny to humans. My point is that it is not necessary for anything “to be funny” in order to laugh or to benefit from laughter.

Play and Fun

Placing these two words together usually generates a feeling of spontaneity that is not easy to define using a single word. Many people “play” at their work. I once heard James Galway, one of the world’s greatest flutists, say that he has never worked a day in his life. Fun for you may feel like a chore for me and vice versa. You know instinctively if it is play or fun by how you feel — light and free and happy, for example.

Joy and Happiness

Some people like to make a distinction between joy and happiness. Defining these words differently is quite acceptable, but it is a feeling that I want to identify, so I define them interchangeably.

Joy or happiness is an energy or a feeling that transcends activities. If you are in a state of joy or happiness, you are in a state of mind and feeling that is not dependent on what you are doing, where you are, or who you are with. No matter what you do or have or do not do or do not have, if you are in a state of joy or happiness, you feel and emit a wonderful feeling that further attracts more joy and happiness. Joy and happiness come from inside you and burst from you — perhaps as a hot fire, perhaps as a warm glow. No matter how this energy may be emitted, it is more than a facade, more than a smile. It is life-giving.

Finding Your Own

Part of the fun of the human journey is finding those who resonate to a similar vibration as yours. Laughter has an undeniable vibration — and you know the difference between a jeering laugh and a joyous one. I find that people often describe themselves has having a “good sense of humor.” In fact, I now find this to be such a common self-acclaimed attribute that it is meaningless. I think the discerning quality when looking for similar others is whether or not you laugh or smile at similar things.

As adults, you tend to seek out activities and persons with similar vibrations and interests. Sometimes for your personal development or education, you may seek out very different types, often returning to “your own.” By “your own” I want to be clear that I am not referring to same skin-colored persons staying together or all Germans staying in Germany. I mean “like” below the obvious exterior, “like” spiritually, “like” vibrationally.

The Path of Joy and Happiness

You can not create joy by poking fun at or ridiculing someone or by being poked. You may learn by the “poking” that you do not want to experience more of that and you may learn to protect yourself from being poked. But do not delude yourself into believing that poking is joy. If someone is hurt by a sharp barb, it is an act of unhappiness and disempowerment.

Laughter is an energy that can propel you along the Path of Joy. Joyful laughter helps to lighten the load. This is a time to lighten up with many paths and techniques and modalities. Laughter is one path that is always available.

Find Happiness By Giving Happiness.

Have you ever heard this quote?

“There is a wonderful, mystical law of nature that the three things we crave most in life- happiness, freedom, and peace of mind- are always attained by giving them to someone else.”

It’s so true, isn’t it? I don’t know who it was who first said those wise words (if you do know then please tell me), but I have no doubt they lived a very happy life, because they have discovered one of the secrets to happiness.

In fact, the secret to success in all endeavours is found in this quote. No matter what you desire, give first and you will receive.

If you want to receive love, then give love. Not exclusively to one person, but to everyone and everything. Express love to your life, your circumstances, your friends and family, and even the people you pass in the street. If you love all, you will receive love back, and you’ll become the kind of person who attracts that special person, and those special relationships, and a life of blissful love.

If you want to get rich then don’t do it through the dog-eat-dog world of competition and win-lose deals. Give increased value to others. Wallace D. Wattles talks about this in his book Science Of Getting Rich better than anyone else I’ve come across (see the Resources Page on my website to get a free copy). You get rich by providing more in use-value than the cash-value you receive. You get rich through co-operation rather than competition. You get rich through providing win-win deals. You get rich through providing others with the opportunities to improve their own lives. Once again, give and you will receive so much more back.

The same applies to happiness. If you want to be happy, give happiness.

Turn your focus around. It’s not all about you. Look out into the world and find opportunities to give happiness.

James Matthew Barrie said, “Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.”

The great Mark Twain said, “The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

Give happiness and you will get happiness. It’s the only way.

Who can you make happy today?

Who can you go and see, just to hang out together?

Who can you phone to tell them you miss them?

It doesn’t take much. Smile to someone who is feeling down. Hold a door open for someone behind you. Compliment someone on their clothing. Thank someone for a job well done at work.

Happiness is so easy. Just give it to someone else, and you’ll find more than enough is magically left behind for you.

Give happiness. Be happy. And smile!

Lance Beggs

Copyright Lance Beggs. All Rights Reserved.

Keep Thinking Positive For A Happy Life

I have met many people in my life who are very negative. They moan about seemingly everything and walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. I was also like that until the age of twenty-two, at this age I decided to have a new approach to life.

For those first twenty-two years, I was forever feeling sorry for myself. My friends all appeared to have so much more than me, and my life was one long hard struggle, compared to theirs. I was caught up in a web of negativity and needed someone or something to help me to escape.

During an afternoon at work one day, aged as I say twenty-two, a colleague I was working with started to talk to me. What he said was a shock to me, however would have a profound effect on my future. He said to me:

“Your are somebody who always thinks in a negative way, you a right depressive person, aren’t you?”

“Am I?”

I said in a shocked voice as I believed I was no different to anybody else. He continued:

“Yes you are. You very rarely smile, you are negative about most issues and you always seem to be carrying the world on your shoulders”.

This man was aged around fifty three and continued:

“I used to be like you and then I was given some advice, of which I am now going to relay to you. When you feel down, depressed or sorry for yourself, read the newspapers or watch the news on the television. You may then realise that you are in fact one of the lucky ones.”

I had a long think about what he had said. I had never been a big reader or watcher of the news, but decided to give it a go. The advice he gave me was totally correct, the news from around the world and even my own country was quite shocking. I realised that the worries I had were actually quite trivial and that I needed to cherish everyday and start to look on the bright side of life.

Stephen Hill

Reframing with NLP For Enhanced Happiness

I used to work for the Independent National Newspaper in Canary Wharf, London. I can remember in the build up to Christmas, my department was having a large and expensive new computer system installed because the newspaper was being relaunched, it was when Andrew Marr and Rosie Boycott were becoming joint editors, I digress….  The system was being put in just before Christmas, but it was a massive task, with numerous issues & overruns.  As Christmas approached, there were still a number of teething problems, which led to stretched relations between the system supplier and the newspaper staff.

At one meeting about the integration of the system, my director had been trying to get more time investment from the installation company, only to be told that their people weren’t going to be available on Christmas day.  My director was frustrated and furious, asking “What are you doing that’s more important than sorting out our system!?”  Without hesitating, the guy from the installation company said “Delivering Christmas hampers to the elderly.”  The impact was immediate; everyone in the room started laughing & my director joined them, realising that he’d perhaps been a bit unreasonable.  Everyone knew that the story about the elderly wasn’t true, but that didn’t matter – the statement had changed his perception of the situation, instantly, & he started behaving more reasonably.

Changing the contextual frame:

There was an advertisement for the Guardian newspaper, which showed a set of still photographs arranged in a particular action sequence.  The photographs showed a large framed man with very little hair on his head, wearing jeans and boots, running along a pathway with a real purpose.

In the first frame he is running towards an elderly lady; in the second frame, you see him knock her violently into the street; in the third frame you see him make his escape, obviously and seemingly this is another thug terrorising the elderly.

Then, when you turn the page, you are presented with some wider angle shots.  In the wide-angle shots, you see the elderly lady casually walking beside a building that has building works being carried out upon it and where a cement mixer is about to topple from a scaffold.  An alert pedestrian notices the situation and heroically runs towards the lady, pushing her clear of the building area. A moment later, the cement mixer falls to the ground in the spot where the lady was standing.  The initially perceived ‘thug’ has in fact saved her life.

By changing the frame, the creators of the advertisement had changed the context of the man’s actions.  Suddenly, what was perceived as typically criminal then became valiant and altruistic.  His actions were transformed in a moment as they were reframed. I am sure you know of many other examples of this.

One of the presuppositions of NLP and something that fascinates and tests me, is that every behaviour is useful or valuable in some context. Upon learning and reading about this in the embryonic days of my learning, I did do my best to do the opposite! I wracked my brains for things that I just could not reframe. Of course, I could not do so for long. It’s just a matter of stretching your brain and finding a context that makes it useful; I have not always found this easy.  This process is referred to as context reframing.

Every behaviour is useful in the right context:

Now here is a challenge for you. For any behaviour, no matter how frustrating or apparently without use or value, see if you can find a context where it’s useful.  Once you find such a context, a subsequent act of presenting the behaviour in the new context is reframing it. If it was originally a behaviour that was treated very seriously or was problematic, you may then also want to think about adding humour or a playfulness in the way it is re-presented;

Firstly, identify a complaint, either about yourself or someone else, a simple structured to begin with, for example; “I’m too [x].” or “She’s too [y].”  (Eg. “I’m too impatient”, “He’s too selfish.”, “She’s too messy.”)

Next up, ask yourself “In what contexts would the characteristic being complained about have value and/or usefulness?”

Thirdly, create several answers to this question, and then craft it into a ‘reframe’.

For example:

“I’m too impatient”

Example answer: “I bet you’re quick-thinking in an emergency.”

“She’s too messy”

Example answer “She’d be good to have around if we were trying to make our home look like it had been burgled.” (I don’t like to be too serious!)

“He’s too selfish”

Example answer: “We’ve had so many problems with people not taking care of themselves, it’s often good to make sure you look after yourself to be in a better position to help others .”

Now, I know these are a bit lame with some of my own tongue in cheek-iness added, but they don’t have to be that useful at this stage; it’s more important that you give yourself the freedom to be creative so your brain gets the pattern of what you’re doing. What’s more, when you have to do that and develop better reframes for yourself, your learning is far more comprehensive than if I were to spoon feed you responses to regurgitate.

The next step is to come up with reframes for any complaints that you (or others) have about yourself.  This can be a lot of fun if you do it with someone else.  (ie. you say “I’m too [x]” then they generate reframes.)

By the way, the example of “I’m too sexy” as in the 90s Pop Band “Right Said Fred” chart topping hit is not really appropriate

When reframing something someone says, rapport is important (otherwise reframing can seem like a very focused & deliberate attempt to annoy someone.) If you present someone with a reframe, ensure that you have a good level of rapport with them, best start with friends and/or family (assuming that you have rapport with them!)

Fifth, once you get the hang of it, start looking for opportunities to use context reframing each day, starting with the less challenging ones.

In a business context for example, one of the most powerful ways to use reframing is when people have objections (whether you’re selling a product, a service, an idea, or yourself.) reframing is a gentle method of working with someone as opposed to having to sell which many people are uncomfortable with. When you reframe someone’s objection, you can remove or alter its power.  I once read the objection “I’m worried – What if I train my staff and then they leave.”  The response: “Even worse, what if you don’t train your people and they stay.”

When you discover and create a way to change the context of someone’s objection, it alters the way they perceive it.  This has been know to be an extremely effective way to overcome objections entirely.

Finally, for these initial steps of reframing, write a list the objections you get most frequently in business or complaints made in your life and generate a number of context reframes for each one.  Then, look forward with a sense of anticipation to the next time someone offers that objection.  Please bear in mind that you are opening up options here, not covering things up, if a particular problematic issue is occurring, sometimes it may not be appropriate to just reframe.

Both my Grandparents on my fathers side were 80 two years ago and we had celebratory family gatherings. As I walked into one of the celebrations I asked the standard question “So, what’s it like waking up on your 80th birthday, Grandad?”  To which he replied “Better than not waking up on your 80′th birthday”.

Now, I’d like to start playing with ‘content reframing.’ If a footballer kicks the ball into his team’s net, it’s called an “own goal”, but if a soldier accidentally shoots one of his fellow soldiers, it’s called “friendly fire” (Sounds kind of cuddly, doesn’t it? But you would not want any coming your way.)  George Orwell’s 1984 had plenty of examples of content reframing (eg. the ministries of peace & truth) that live on today in many forms (a peacekeeper missile, anyone?)

So, content reframing involves changing the meaning of something.

Right, to develop this further, follow this procedure; identify a complaint a complaint or issue with the structure “I feel [X] when [Y] happens.” (Eg. “I feel angry when he does not help” or “I feel frustrated when I make mistakes”)

Next, ask yourself “What else could this (Y) mean?”, “What else could this (X) mean?” or “What else could this situation mean?”, or ask “How can this (X) or (Y) be interpreted?

Then, you can come up with several answers to these, and then create a ‘reframe’.

For example:
“I feel upset when I see the mess these kids have made”

Example answer: “It’s good that they can be ‘in the moment’ without worrying about a few things being out of place.”
Alternate example answer: “A little untidiness is a small price to pay for happy children.”
Another example answer: “The fact that it’s messy means they’re expressing their creativity.”

Obviously, if you were to offer these reframes to someone who is annoyed or frustrated, I would suggest that it would be a good idea to get in rapport with them first and of course to select your words carefully.

As with my previous examples, these aren’t the most amazing reframes in the world, but they don’t have to be that useful at this stage; it’s more important that you give yourself the freedom to be creative so your brain gets the pattern of what you’re doing.

Now, you can come up with reframes for any complaints or issues that you can identify for yourself or others.  This can be a lot of fun (honestly!) if you take turns doing it with someone else.  (ie. you say “I feel [X] when [Y] happens” then they generate reframes.)

Then, once you get the hang of it, start looking for opportunities to use content reframing each day. For spreading good feelings around and helping people to lessen the easy natural way that they can sometimes get “bogged down” in the trivial.  Depends on what you consider trivial though, be careful and thoughtful.

Once again, in a business sense, content reframing is also very powerful for dealing with objections of all sorts.  For example, a reframe I sometimes use when someone objects to the price of consulting with me (I am sooooo expensive!) is to respond with something along the lines of:

“If you are after a cheap consultant or therapist, then you are right, I am not for you. If however, you want to invest in your future then maybe I am. If your child needed a serious operation, would you look for the cheapest surgeon? Then why look for the cheapest way to make changes in your life that are important enough to seek help with?”

Again, I do have my tongue planted in my cheek as I write that riposte, however, I am sure you see where I am coming from here.

Then finally, list the objections you get most frequently & generate a number of content reframes for each one.  Then, look forward with a sense of anticipation to the next time someone offers that objection.  Remember to keep rapport with people when doing this! Or in jargon-free speak, relate, empathise, connect, get on with.

Good luck with your reframing and creating more harmony.