The Problem with the Rebound
One of the most common mistakes in a relationship is the rebound. For those of you who do not know what a rebound relationship is, let’s start with that. The definition of a rebound relationship is jumping into a committed relationship very quickly after the end of a committed relationship. Many people fall into this type of trap as they are trying to move on from a break up. There are healthy ways to get past the dissolution of a relationship and a rebound relationship definitely does not belong in that list. There are many reasons not to rebound with someone right after a committed relationship. Some of them include trying to replace an ex, not enough time to heal, and you can hurt the person you start dating.
First of all, dating someone on the rebound is not a good idea because many people who date on the rebound are trying to replace their ex. Many people in this position have low self-esteem and rebound in order to have someone to be with. Loneliness can be a very motivating factor to push someone into a relationship before they are ready. Do not let this happen to you. The break up of a relationship is painful and there is not a quick fix to get over it. Respect yourself enough to just take the time you need to get over this hurtful experience. Rebounding will not help you get over the breakup or replace your ex significant other. It will only cause problems in your life.
Another reason you do not want to try to rebound is that you will not have enough time to heal. This was talked about briefly when discussing trying to replace your ex. Respecting yourself and getting to know yourself again is the only way to get over being dumped. Jumping into another serious relationship does not allow enough time for you to do either of these things. Take some much needed time to grieve over your relationship, and then you can decide what type of role you want to have in the dating game. There is no hurry, so don’t rush. Playing it safe and smart after a break up is always a good idea.
A final reason that you don’t want to get immediately back into a relationship when you get dumped or break up with someone is that there are other people’s feelings to consider. Think about if you jump into a serious relationship and then realize you aren’t ready for it. The person you are dating might be extremely hurt by this. Considering others’ feelings is very important as you do not want any more hard feelings between you and another person. If you move too quickly into a relationship and then back out, that leaves the other person possibly devastated. Moving more slowly into a relationship can help better the chances that someone else may be hurt.
Obviously rebounds are not a healthy way to get back into the dating scene. So many things can go wrong if you do this, and risking more pain when you are not over the first heartache will not help. Take time to get over your broken relationship, learn about yourself and who you are, and what you want out of a new relationship. By doing this, you may spare yourself and someone else the pain of another break up.
Grief & Loss
Have you ever lost someone close to you to death? We go through a grief process that was best described by Elizabeth Kublar-Ross in On Death and Dying. In it she talks about the five stages that people go through—denial and isolation; anger; bargaining; depression and finally acceptance. The dying, as well as those who love them, go through these stages although rarely at the same time and these stages are not predictable.
You may think you are in the anger phase, then jump to depression and then, back to denial again. There is no rhyme or reason—only what feels right for each individual at the time. No one can predict how long a phase will last. If you are grieving and some well-meaning person suggests that you shouldn’t be feeling what you are feeling, kindly thank them for their concern but know that you are exactly where you need to be.
However, with grief, sometimes you will become aware of something not feeling right. You may think, “I should be over this by now” or “I don’t like feeling this way.” When you, yourself, recognize that it is time to move beyond where you are at, then trust that feeling as well.
I’d like to talk about grief from a Choice Theory perspective. This will probably take several posts to make sense of it all. I need to start with the Choice Theory expression that all behavior is purposeful since grief is really just a behavior in choice theory terms. Choice theory tells us that everything we do at any point in time is our best attempt to get something we want—some picture we have in our Quality World that will meet one or more of our needs in some way. Grief is no exception.
Once you understand that all behavior is purposeful and that grief is a person’s best attempt to get something they want, then it becomes easier to know what to do about it. What could we possibly be trying to get by grieving? Most people would say that there isn’t a choice. When someone we love dies, we have to grieve. I say it is natural that we will miss the person’s presence in our life but it isn’t inevitable that we have to grieve, not in the way most people think of grieving.
The first thing I believe that we are trying to get with our grief is the person who died. When we grieve, it is our best attempt to keep that person alive, at least in our perceived world. We know they no longer exist in the physical world as we know it. However, if we continue to think about them, pine for them, grieve their presence, then it keeps the thought of that person active in our perception and it feels better to us than the total void or absence of the other person.
Another possible advantage of grief is that it shows others just how much we cared for and loved the person who died. I’m not suggesting that people are being manipulative in their grief. What I am saying is that there is a side benefit to grief in that it shows others how much we cared. It also says, “See what a good ___________ I was.” Fill in the blank with husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, sister, brother, etc.
Grief is also instrumental in getting us the support we need from others during our time of bereavement. People do things for us that we would normally be expected to do ourselves. Again, please don’t think that I am suggesting that a grieving person wakes up and “decides” to grieve so someone will stop by the house with a meal. None of this is conscious but I’m merely pointing out the potential advantages of grief.
Once we become totally conscious and aware of what our grief does and doesn’t do for us, then comes the hard part. We need to make some decisions about how we want to live.
There are always at least three options in every situation and they can be framed up in terms of—leave it, change it or accept it. With death, you may wonder how someone is going to “leave it.” Well, some possible ways would be major denial of the loss, suicide, drugs and/or alcohol abuse, or sinking deep into mental illness, among others.
When we get caught up in changing things, we may continue in our grief as our best attempt to get the person back. That might look like constant trips to the cemetery, frequent conversations with the deceased, refusing to believe he or she is truly gone, constantly talking about the one who’s gone. There are many things we can do to attempt to change the reality of the loss.
If and when we come to accept it, we can experience some measure of peace and rejoin the living. A healthy step in this process is finding a way to somehow maintain that person’s presence in our lives. Now, this is a very individual thing and you must be very careful not to judge the choices of the bereaved.
Most people saw Meet the Parents. In it, Robert DiNero’s character kept the ashes of his mother in an urn on his mantle. Many people do this with the cremated remains of their loved ones. Others place some ashes in a necklace and wear it around their neck. Some will set up scholarship or memorials. When my husband died, his family and I created a wrestling scholarship fund for a local high school wrestler. When my friend lost her 8 year-old son, she had the Houston zoo name the frog exhibit after him!
There are all kinds of creative ways to maintain the person’s presence. There is no wrong way. Whatever brings comfort to the bereaved should be supported by those around them. Remember that just because a person is choosing something that may be distasteful or wrong to you, doesn’t make it wrong for that person.
When acceptance occurs, then the grieving person can begin to reassimilate back into their life and the lives of those around them but it won’t happen overnight. We need patience and loving understanding for those coming back from grief.
Another possible choice is the person who doesn’t appear to grieve at all. There may be many explanations for this behavior. The person may be very private and won’t do his or her grieving where others can see. Another possibility is that the person is trying to be strong for everyone else. I know I wanted my children to KNOW that I was going to be OK. I didn’t want them to believe that they had to take care of me. To some, it seemed that I wasn’t grieving enough.
If you are grieving, or you are involved in the life of someone who is grieving, please don’t judge yourself or them. Understand that all behavior is purposeful and the person is getting something out of what they are doing. When they become conscious that there is a choice, then they can make a conscious decision about which of the three choices they want to make. Once they know the direction they want to go in, they have to flesh out the details of their plan.
Using Condolence Poems in Eulogies or Condolence Letters
Death is not an easy subject for anyone to discuss or cope with. Often your emotions are so stirred up that it can be very difficult to come up with words of condolence for those that need them. Sometime you find yourself not saying anything at all and that can be even worse than saying the wrong thing. Poems can be the perfect way to get across what you want to say. Memorial service poems can actually put everyone more at ease during a funeral or memorial service.
Grieving family and friends want others to remember their loved one’s life and acknowledge them. Seeing a life celebrated and hearing words of sympathy and celebration from others often helps them move through their own grief journey. The right memorial service poetry can really set the mood for the whole ceremony. Written words can be much more effective than spoken condolences at reaching a grieving person’s heart. Simple and soothing words acknowledging a loss, accompanied by a meaningful sympathy or condolence poem can touch a heart like nothing else can.
Having a memorial poem or poetry to look back upon can really be an emotional strengthener. A poem can be about the life of the one who has passed or just kind words. The memorial poem could be about an event in the loved one’s life or just loving words of a close friend. Often these mementos are kept for many years, framed for the family or left at the gravesite as a reminder of the deceased.
There are numerous memorial service, condolence and sympathy poems written and easily available. Poems ranging from heartfelt and sad to lighthearted and even funny have been written by amateur and professional poetry writers to put words to the feelings that are expressed after someone has died. If you are asked to speak at a memorial or funeral service and are having a difficult time writing down how this loss has made you or the family feel, consider including a poem in your tribute.
To add a poem to your eulogy or condolence letter, first you must consider who the person was and what they would have appreciated or enjoyed read. If the person who passed enjoyed the outdoors, maybe a memorial poem with colorful forest or nature-like imagery would speak to the audience, and properly pay tribute to the lost loved one. If the deceased was a practical joker or light-hearted individual, maybe a poem that incorporates a bit of humor would remind their family of what a happy spirit that individual was.
Look at your local bookstore for poetry books that have memorial or condolence poems included or search online for posted poetry. Poems can range in topics and styles – flowery or overly-dramatic poetry is not the only option available. Many families and friends choose to write their own poems or essays about the deceased to have read at memorial services or posted on online memorial sites. This is a great way for those that are able to express their feelings on paper to do so and share those words to help heal the grief experienced by other family members as well.
Using poetry to help with grief, to express love or pain and to memorialize a friend or family member is very powerful and will be appreciated by others who have experienced a loss.
~ Ben Anton, 2008
Releasing Relationship Pain
Often times when a relationship ends there are things left unsaid and questions left unanswered. Through the use of this technique you can resolve these issues and allow yourself to move on and let go of the past. This technique can also be used with those that are now deceased.
Sit yourself in a quiet space where you will not be disturbed. Ideally have an empty chair or seat opposite you. Close your eyes for a moment, and take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to relax and let go.
When you open your eyes imagine that you can see the person with whom things are left unsaid sitting opposite you. All you need to do is to pretend they are there, so if you think you are having problems visualising just pretend.
Say to the person whatever is on your mind, whatever you want to release. If there is a situation that you want to resolve, for example the break down of a relationship then talk about that.
When you have finished you may want a response from them. If so then go and sit in the other chair and pretend you are them answering back. Keep your mind focussed on what was said when you do and allow the answer to flow. Remember that if you consciously say what you want to hear rather than what you really hear you are only cheating yourself, no one else.
When they have finished speaking, sit back in your original chair.
Keep up the conversation, moving from chair to chair assuming the other person’s persona when in their chair until the conversation comes to an end. Then return to your original chair and thank them for their time before going about your business.
This technique is incredible valuable for letting go of pain, guilt and hurt from any sort of relationship, not just romantic relationships. Often when performing this technique you will be surprised by the answers that you receive from the other person.
You can engage your sub-conscious in releasing the past through the Releasing Emotional Blocks Audio CD and the Karmic Cleansing program.
Celebrate Life: Using Online Memorials and Other Funeral Services to Remember
Grieving a lost loved one is never easy. One of the best therapies for this grief is to honor their life and give them a memorial service. Most people don’t think beyond the traditional memorial service. There are many alternative, or untraditional, memorial service options. These can range from simple memorial poems to elaborate funeral memorials. When searching for the perfect memorial for a loved one don’t forget some of these other options.
Some people opt for the traditional memorial service at a funeral home or graveside. These can be enhanced by a nice memorial poem. Poems for lost loved ones can range from simple, emotion-filled lines to elaborate, flowing pieces with imagery and structure. These poems may be read at the service, posted online in honor of the lost loved one, shared with family, or simply kept with other mementos. The simple act of writing one’s feelings has a very therapeutic effect and can help the healing process. Others may be having the same feelings and emotions and by reading the poem it may help them work along the grieving track.
The internet offers many other options, as well. Posting the obituary online or online funeral messages may help spread the word. Online memorials set up for a loved one can help to speed the healing. This offers the opportunity of celebrating their life. Posting their accomplishments and pictures will allow all those unable to make it to a service to grieve, also. A collage of photos, favorite quotes, favorite song clips, and even links to their favorite causes can fill this online memorial. This can be an evolving memorial. Allowing others to post their memories and special times with the lost will truly celebrate their life and honor them. Open it up and allow others to post favorite pictures or quotes from the person and watch as the memorial takes new shape and memories blossom.
Some people take this even farther and have an online funeral. This allows everyone to reach out and help each other heal. Those who are limited due to disability, geography, or other hurdles may attend an online funeral and share in the sadness and joy that may accompany a celebration of the loved one’s life. Video feed from the actual funeral service can be placed online or fed live during the service. Others will feel as if they are right there and feel a part of the process. This allows everyone the opportunity to be involved with laying the person’s soul to rest.
When deciding on how to remember a loved one the possibilities are endless. Imagination can go a long way when planning an untraditional memorial. A video showing clips and photos of the person with voice-overs from family and friends is a good option. Planning a celebration of the person’s life centered on things they enjoyed can help everyone remember them as they were in life. A memorial service for an avid scuba diver might take place in a favorite dive spot, or even underwater. The memories, and tears, may flow freely but the cleansing nature will be helpful. Share joys and favorite times and honor them in a place where they found joy.
Another popular form of memorial for a loved one is to give to a charity or favorite cause in their name. Taking this theme a little further, some families have volunteered, as a group, to assist the cause. A trip to the local Red Cross Blood Donor Center in honor of a lost loved one who volunteered with Red Cross would make a great tribute to their accomplishments in life. Whether giving money or blood, this is a true memorial to a loved one.
Whether holding a traditional funeral service or an untraditional online memorial, the most important step after the death of a loved one is to start the healing process. This involves going through the grieving process and finding a way to honor and remember the person. If posting their history and memories to a public website does not feel right, make a special, password-protected site that only family can access. It becomes an intimate memorial but allows those separated by geography to share in the grieving, and healing, process. Remember, a memorial for a lost loved one can be a simple poem or an elaborate memorial service, but the most important factor is the celebration of their life and accomplishments.
~Ben Anton, 2007
The Truth About Emotional Intelligence
There is so much emphasis on emotional intelligence these days that it appears that people are suppressing their emotions and problems in an effort to “fit in,” to keep their jobs, and using “positive self-talk” to muscle through the rough spots in their lives.
Recently, I had a friend over who has suffered enormous job stress during a time when his wife’s father was dying of cancer. Of course, quitting his job didn’t seem like an option during this difficult period, particularly since his wife returned to her parental home for many months to say good-bye to her dying father. That left him at home to take care of their children, pay the bills, and so on. Who can forge positively into a new job-search with all that going on?
After his father-in-law passed away his wife returned home and he lost his job – as did many of his colleagues – and his wife decided she no longer wanted to remain married. What else could go wrong? OH! Of course! His father could be diagnosed with cancer: He was.
Now he is living a complete hell, with all of this turmoil, and two sweet children looking to him for stability. Is it any wonder that people are cracking under the strain?
He is all alone and he tries to be “emotionally together” but that only causes more harm than good. We (society), in our need for order and stability, don’t want people with all these problems in our lives. We don’t want them working in our office. They’re broken!
Well, the truth is, our (society) expectations around emotional intelligence, and together, full-functioning adults, is what is breaking them.
I spent three hours with him the other night, acknowledging his horrific circumstances, his emotional turmoil, and gave him permission to embrace it all. He’s not broken, he’s experiencing emotional pain and it needs to be expressed, embraced, and worked through (processed.) It’s not enough that he embrace it either. Community is required to surround, love, heal, and regenerate.
So, when we see hurting people, don’t look at them as broken people who haven’t got their act together. Look at them as someone who needs a bit of kindness, generosity, and loving support. Watch the power those simple things can have in their life.
<b>Caveat:</b> <i>This does not condone people remaining disempowered victims for the rest of their lives. Our role is to embrace and still to empower, leaving the “wounded one” to take responsibility for their recovery. Embrace, love, and challenge.</i>
