Emotional Dependency or Emotional Responsibility

Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing?

There are numerous forms of emotional dependency:

* Dependence on substances, such as food, drugs, or alcohol, to fill emptiness and take away pain.

* Dependency on processes such as spending, gambling, or TV, also to fill emptiness and take away pain.

* Dependence on money to define one’s worth and adequacy.

* Dependence on getting someone’s love, approval, or attention to feel worthy, adequate, lovable, and safe.

* Dependence on sex to fill emptiness and feel adequate.

When you do not take responsibility for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your own inner sense of safety, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy and safe externally. Whatever you do not give to yourself, you may seek from others or from substances or processes. Emotional dependency is the opposite of taking personal responsibility for one’s emotional wellbeing. Yet many people have no idea that this is their responsibility, nor do they have any idea how to take this responsibility.

What does it mean to take emotional responsibility rather than be emotionally dependent?

Primarily, it means recognizing that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility.

For example, let’s say someone you care about gets angry at you.

If you are emotionally dependent, you may feel rejected and believe that your feelings of rejection are coming from the other’s anger. You might also feel hurt, scared, anxious, inadequate, shamed, angry, blaming, or many other difficult feeling in response to the other’s anger. You might try many ways of getting the other person to not be angry in an effort to feel better.

However, if you are emotionally responsible, you will feel and respond entirely differently. The first thing you might do is to tell yourself that another person’s anger has nothing to do with you. Perhaps that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you. Perhaps that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever the reason for the other’s anger, it is about them rather than about you. An emotionally responsible person does not take others’ behavior personally, knowing that we have no control over others’ feelings and behavior, and that we do not cause others to feel and behave the way they do – that others are responsible for their feelings and behavior just as we are for ours.

The next thing an emotionally responsible person might do is move into compassion for the angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with the other person. For example, you might say, “I don’t like your anger, but I am willing to understand what is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?” If the person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this person is not going to open up, then as an emotionally responsible person, you would take loving action in your own behalf. For example, you might say, “I’m unwilling to be at the other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to take a walk (or hang up the phone, or leave the restaurant, or go into the other room, and so on). An emotionally responsible person gets out of range of attack rather than tries to change the other person.

Once out of range, the emotionally responsible person goes inside and explores any painful feelings that might have resulted from the attack. For example, perhaps you are feeling lonely as a result of being attacked. An emotionally responsible person embraces the feelings of loneliness with understanding and compassion, holding them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace the feelings of loneliness, you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can move back into peace.

Rather than being a victim of the other’s behavior, you have taken emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful.

When you realize that your feelings are your responsibility, you can move out of emotional dependency. This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relationships. Relationships thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and into emotional responsibility.

What does it mean to be an expatriate? Part 2 – How to choose your paradise

As mentioned in Part 1, there are some countries that are very popular now amongst the expat community. They all have their own appeal and it can be quite confusing and stressful deciding as to where to start.

My proposed 10-step program is designed to help you decide on a country you would like to make your paradise.

Make a list of the world’s top overseas havens.

Step 2: Write down a list of your personal preferences and priorities. Write them down in order of priority. The list may include things such as climate, cost of living, taxes, culture, language, healthcare, accessibility to your home country infrastructure and government incentives for foreign investors.

Step 3: Consider the pros and cons of each of these countries according to your priorities. Make a tally sheet for each country.

Step 4: With the information you have gathered, limit your choice down to 3 countries.

>Step 5: My next step and motto is always: “Try before you buy”, so plan to spend time in each of the countries chosen.

Step 6: While you are in each of the countries use your time wisely and look into, living costs costs, employment or business possibilities, transport means, education standards, schools, personal safety issues, postal services and banking services, Internet availability etc.

Step 6: Meet with seasoned expatriates who are living and working in the country.

Step 7: Look at as many properties for sale as you can.

Step 8: Set up meetings with experts on residency for all 3 countries.

Step 9: Look at all your facts and identify which country aligns most with your priorities and preferences as well as your values and the kind lifestyle you want to live.

Step 10: Make your choice, plan an extended stay if possible, don’t look back and enjoy the process.

To summarize, I am not saying it is easy not to look back, but always keep in mind that you’re not alone and not without a plan. Use the outline of the 10-step program, do your homework, speak to experts in the field and if you really want to live a different and better life, commit yourself to getting into action and maybe this is the year that it will make happen for you.

Next week, in part 3, I will post suggestions for what you need to do to when you are about to take up residency.

Quote of the week

“Create a definite plan for carrying out your desire and begin at once, whether you are ready or not to put the plan into action.” Napoleon Hill

We would love to hear how your plans for expatriation are progressing? Which country are you moving to? What helped you make your decision? What difficulties have you encountered if any? Your share could help someone else in a similar situation.

How to Deal With Difficult People

In business, like the rest of life we will often encounter people who are just that little more difficult to get along with. Some use the term ‘personality conflict’ to describe the situation, yet this suggests that there is some sort of unbreakable barrier and that the problem is somewhat unfixable, since it is highly unlikely somebody is going to change their entire personality for the sake of better work relations! A far more rational solution is to change specific behaviours, rather than personality traits.

Situations with difficult employees tend to occur over time; after all it is not very common to hire someone and find them impossible to deal with after the first week. Usually it is small irritating personal habits that progress over time into larger annoying behaviours after being left unattended. In any relationship, both people influence the other’s behaviour. In almost every conflict situation, both parties bear some responsibility for the way things end up.

Focusing on blame will produce no results and only irritate you further. The most proactive thing you can do in these situations is focus on what YOU can do to make things better. It doesn’t matter who is at fault, if your primary concern is to rectify the situation. Try to consider your contribution in this unpleasant situation; perhaps you have just written them off as a lost cause, their own worst enemy? Now try to consider ways in which you can change this; maybe by getting more involved with them personally, making an effort to become friends.

A good idea is to approach the situation in a non- accusatory tone, preferably when you are both calm and in a private situation. Address the problems you are experiencing, once you have finished let them have their say and be sure to listen intently so they know you are truly concerned and interested. When possible find things to agree on, and offer something in return.

If you are clearly frustrated it will show. It is important that you deal with things firmly, but nicely and without dramatics. To remain the bigger person you should retain quiet dignity, even if the other person becomes rude or nasty. No-one is suggesting you smile and turn the other cheek in the face of abuse, but if you counter-attack or react in kind, you will almost always make the situation worse.

Avoid gossip of any kind as you will start to involve other members of staff. As well as being disruptive to the organization, it will make it more difficult to fix the situation. Gossip only focuses on the worst part of a person and paints them in a very negative light. Along with being unfair, it affects your thinking and actually shortens your patience, especially when you get covert support from others.

Like every situation, prevention is better than cure, by using a combination of politeness and limit setting these situations can be completely avoided. However, sometimes the conflict becomes so polarized that you will have to go to outside sources to seek help. If the person in question is a fellow staff member, one possibility is to approach your team leader and explain the situation. Do your best not to convince your boss how ‘bad’ the other person is, it will just make you look like the problem.

At the end of the day there is generally a solution to every problem. If the situation persists and you and the person in question continue not to see eye to eye, then perhaps mediation or some other form of intervention may be necessary. In any case you must remember that there are two sides to every story, maybe you aren’t being as reasonable as you originally thought? Be open to others suggestions and opinions, and be aware of your rights and responsibilities in a conflict situation, as well as theirs.

THAT LITTLE BIT EXTRA…

THAT LITTLE BIT EXTRA…

The “little bit extra” is a very powerful concept to put into practice today in every aspect of your life. The difference between being ordinary and being extraordinary is that little bit EXTRA. The little bit extra is what separates average performers from CHAMPIONS!

In a sales process, the little bit extra is that one extra follow-up call, that extra sincere thank-you or the extra little bit of energy that you put into the presentation of your business. This will separate you from your competition. You can either go through the motions of your business or you can give that little bit extra in order to cement yourself in the mind of your potential customer. We all can relate to purchasing a product/service from someone who just gave you a little bit extra attention than their competitor did and THAT is the reason we bought from THEM!

When I personally coach someone, one of my key strategies is to move them to become champions in their field. One of the easiest ways is to show them the value of what a little extra eye contact with their prospects or customers brings. You need to look your prospect or customer directly in their eyes when you are presenting your business! This drives into them your confidence and conviction about what you and your product/service have to offer them. When I coach people, I tell them that the eye contact strategy alone will take them two steps ahead of their competition.

Remember, people will feed off your confidence from the look in your eyes. As you progress in your journey towards fulfilling your WHY, you need to constantly give that little extra! The true sign of a champion-to-be is just when it seems impossible for him/her to give that extra push; they dig deep down and give that little bit extra to fulfill their WHY! When I speak to groups, I train them to have the mindset of always giving a little bit more than their competitor. Over the long run, it will pay off big! A small improvement over a long period of time will produce outstanding results.

Now that you know the benefit of giving that little bit of extra effort, you need to ask yourself a question…”What can I do today and every day with a little more effort to move me to the champion level in my field?” You need to realize someone will be the champion in your chosen endeavor. Let me ask you a question, “Why not you?”

See you at the top!

Find your WHY and Fly!

John Di Lemme
www.FindYourWhy.com

What Not To Do And How Not To Do It

How can you get more done?

Can you really do more than you already do? Is there still room left on your plate for even one more thing? The truth is I don’t know anyone (successful) who has too little to do. Not one of my many clients–nor any of my friends, acquaintances, or people I meet on planes–none of them has ever said they have too little to do.

Doing more to get more done is simply not an option.

The answer to doing more is doing less.

Less?

Do less?

Are you kidding? How’s that going to help? “I don’t get enough done as it is,” you say, “and there’s always more to do at the end of a day!”

Ask this transformational question: Is each activity you currently do providing the greatest possible payback? Or like many people, are you spending much of your precious time doing things which produce a relatively lower return? The key word is relatively.

To do more, you’ve got to figure out what not to do.

For most people, 100% of our time is filled with 1) routine day-to-day matters, 2) things we told other people we would do and 3) responding to (sometimes trivial) interruptions. To try to make something important happen, we end up shoving that thing into our schedule.

How well does that work? How well does a five pound bag hold ten pounds of stuff? You get the idea–not very well at all. And, of course, all the important stuff ends up spilling out onto the floor.

For some people, the bag is so full–there are so many to-dos on your to-do list, your reach the uncomfortable state of overwhelm. Your creativity gets totally locked out and your mind can’t even consider other, perhaps more important things.

You’ve got to figure out what not to do.

I’ve done casual research on this subject asking audiences of executives what things they do that they know they shouldn’t. This list of guilty pleasures includes answering emails as they come in throughout the day, handling the company finances, interviewing all candidates for all jobs, purchasing, filing, writing marketing copy and advertisements, signing all the checks, exercising final say on small product changes, and so on.

That’s not to say these things aren’t important–some are, even vitally so. The question is–are these the most important things for YOU to be doing, especially at this point in your organization’s development?

Often when I ask these questions, people respond by saying there is no one else who can do THAT as well as they can.

This thinking is typical of what Adam Smith called “absolute advantage.” Smith advocated doing all the things which you do better than anyone else. It is obvious, commonsense thinking. The trap for someone who is by nature highly and broadly capable is that you can end up doing everything, reluctant to let go of anything.

To the rescue is 19TH century economist David Ricardo’s Law of the Comparative Advantage of Nations. In a bold, counterintuitive bit of reasoning, Ricardo said to maximize wealth, each country should devote its energy to producing goods they sacrificed the least to create. In other words, Comparative Advantage says to produce the goods which create the highest value per unit of work. Everything else, regardless of how much better you do it than anyone else, should be done by others.

Assume your company makes a sophisticated high value product and you can sell as many as you can make. The product uses several cheap components, which by the way, you can also make better and cheaper than anyone else. Ricardo says that given limited resources (your time, for instance) it is a mistake to manufacture any of the components; each unit of time spent making the cheaper components instead of making the high-valued product costs you money –opportunity cost. To make the most profit, spend ALL your time making the high-value product, and purchase the components.

Ricardo’s law boils down to this: do the thing which brings the GREATEST RETURN–and nothing else. That which brings you the greatest value, and only that, is your comparative advantage.

Keep a list of all the separate things you do during the course of a day/week/month. You may think you know, but each time I ask an executive to try this exercise, they are surprised by the outcome.

Make a notation of what you are doing every 15 minutes. Keep this record for as long as you can–at least two or three days; a week or even two will reveal even more. (You must write this down. The process won’t work if you try to keep it in your head.)

What have you been doing? Have you been squandering your comparative advantage?

Is each action on your list HIGHLY PRODUCTIVE? Is each thing on your list MAKING YOU MONEY, or CHANGING THE WORLD (at least a little bit?)

No? Most people spend at least some of their time doing low-contribution activities. For most people, even if they consider what are doing important, there are usually even more important things they should do instead.

Once you’ve understood how you actually spend your time, you have three possible courses of action:

You can dump things–there are always some things which are of such little value that no one should be doing them.

You can delegate important things to capable people in your organization or outsource them to firms which specialize in those things.

Lastly, YOU can do the things which make the largest difference.

Apply Ricardo’s principle of comparative advantage. Figure out what specific actions contribute the most and do only those, offloading or dumping the rest. Do the same analysis for each department and each member of your company and create extraordinary results.

To do more–to get more done in terms of value–you have to do less.

(c) Copyright Paul Lemberg. All rights reserved

The Word Can’t Does Not Exist In My Vocab

I remember when I was growing up, my parents used to become vey annoyed with me when I stated that I could not do my homework or could not do other things I had been asked to do.

They would respond with the advice that I could do anything in life as long as I believed in myself and as long as I was willing to work very hard. The word, can’t, does not exist in my vocab Steve, I sometimes find certain tasks difficult however always believe that I will be able to succeed, my father would say.

He worked very hard to make me understand and to take on board this message, which would eventually prove to be a valuable lesson for me to learn. It has helped me to achieve many things and to also overcome some of the issues I had in my life.

School and employment

I was not the brightest student at school and as previously mentioned would often say that I could not complete the work through my lack of belief in my own ability. Through hard work and determination though, I left school with an impressive set of examination results. I continued this success into my work life and at the age of twenty-two had passed a number of insurance exams and had become a qualified financial advisor.

Stuttering

From the age of four I had suffered with the speech impediment known as stammering or stuttering. By my early twenties I had had enough of this struggle and went about trying to overcome the stutter. It proved to be very difficult and my progress was slow. I had superb support from my family who would always pick me up when I was feeling down and who also continued to ram home the message of never giving up. During the hours of practice I would regularly state that I could not do it, my family would not accept this and kept on at me to keep believing and to think positive.

After nearly a year of working and practicing very hard I managed to eradicate the stutter which is my biggest and proudest achievement in life.

Weight

Throughout my life I have had problems with my weight. I was never happy being fat and at the age of twenty decided to try to lose the weight. It seemed to take forever to achieve the weight and size I had targeted and as usual there were many times when I was close to giving up. From the lessons learnt and with the support from my family, eventually I did lose the excess fat.

Stephen Hill

Become an Expert at Speaking

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Become an Expert at Speaking

Does anybody really have anything new to say?  There is no end to the number of people who enjoy bringing their expertise to the platform.  There will always be an audience who will want to hear your good ideas communicated uncommonly well in an uncommon way.  Your challenge as a speaker is to figure out how to do that.

Here are some starter tips on how to become an expert at speaking:

1. Study the best.  Choose a topic that you love to speak on and that others need to hear about.  Then listen to those who are either most successful in that area, most gifted, or both.  Some speakers who get paid very well for their information may not necessarily have outstanding delivery styles.  Content is always king, but all speakers should deliver their talk with eloquence.  I tell my
professional speaker clients that they will be hired for their content, but paid for their delivery!

2. Listen to tapes, videos, DVD’s – and attend lectures when possible. Expose yourself to as many speakers and styles as you can.  You can learn from everyone, the good and the bad.  Listen with an ear that helps you to know
what you like best about the speaker’s presentation and what you like least.  How can you use this to make you better at the platform.

3. Practice for Free. Don’t charge for your first speech. There are many service and business networking clubs looking for speakers every week. Check the clubs in your area (ex:  Rotary, Lions, Leads, Chamber of Commerce, church
groups) and contact the program chairs to speak to their groups. Speaking often is critical to your development as a sought after speaker.  I encourage my clients to speak for free often as they are building their speaking careers.  The
audience will tell you what your best material is and this will help you hone your skills so that you can eventually be a paid speaker with groups that have budgets.

4. Get feedback.  Interview clients and friends who can provide you with input about the value of your topic(s) as well as your content and delivery style.  After you speak to a group, verbally get some feedback from a few attendees.
You can do this with a phone call or email.  Better yet, provide your audience with an evaluation form.  I always encourage my clients to do this and include a line that says:  “Do you know of any other groups who would benefit from this
program?”  “If so, may  I call you to get that information?” Be sure to include a line that requires their name and phone number.

5. Get good, and then get better.  Even the best, at the top of their game, keep working at doing it better, doing it differently, keeping their material current and interesting.  There is always room for improvement. Don’t rest on your
commercial success alone.  Always be present for “breakthroughs.”  You never know when the next one is around the corner.  How do you get better?   Hire a speaker coach, like me ,and get out there and  speak, speak, speak!

COPYRIGHT:  ฉ2005 by Sandra Schrift.  All rights reserved

Positive Mind, Successful Life

It took me a long time to realise the benefits of positive thinking. I had often heard people mention that if you think positive, positive things will happen to you, I used to think they were a bit weird. I now believe they were right and this article explains why.

Growing up through the difficult teenage years and into my early twenties, I felt very sorry for myself. I used to think I was the most unluckiest person in the world. I had a bald patch the size of a ten pence piece on my head, a speech impediment(stutter), I was overweight to the point of being fat, and was short for a male(5ft4).

I believed that I received more mickey taking out of me than anyone else, and life was certainly a struggle. To meet members of the opposite sex when you have a lack of confidence and a speech impediment is not easy. To gain work, order drinks, socialise in general, these were all difficult for me. Everyone else seemingly breezed and eased there way through life.

One day I was at work and a colleague of mine who was about thirty years older than me, commented that I was a very depressive person. I disagreed with him and was quite shocked, I believed that most people worried and stressed about things. He went on by stating that I was always negative about most things in life, always moaning about this or that and very rarely smiled. He went on to say that he had used to be like me, always depressed, moody and stressed until he was given some advice when he was aged thirty. He then proceeded to give me the same advice.

THE ADVICE:

When you feel down, depressed and sorry for yourself, watch the news and read the newspapers and you will see that there are many people worse off than you, and that you are actually one of the lucky ones.

I thought about this and started to follow what he had said. I now realise how stupid I had been. To be born and live in the UK, I am one of the lucky ones.